oh, is that how that happens?

When we found out I was pregnant with our 2nd baby, I was completely shocked, and to be honest, scared to death.  I had gone to the doctor a few weeks prior who had given me a blood test and assured me I was NOT pregnant, so I was feeling pretty good.  One morning I woke up feeling out of sorts and decided to take a home pregnancy test and wouldn't you know that blasted thing said "pregnant."  Talk about a whirl of emotions.  I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I was excited, because I wasn't.  So many thoughts were zooming through my head and happiness wasn't one of them.

I was worried about how I was going to handle 2 babies...  I was worried about how we were going to afford everything... How we were going to do this with family so far away and us constantly moving.... And the biggest thought I had was I'm going to lose my one on one time with Sam which meant more to me than anything.

In today's society, it's out of the norm for people to have a lot of kids.  Most people only have a few.  When we announced that we were pregnant with baby #2 so close in age to Sam, people were surprised and made jokes asking us if we knew how people got pregnant... Of course I laughed this off, mostly because it was actually funny the first time.... not so much around the 5th :).  I felt judged and misunderstood... I felt like people were looking at me asking "what is she thinking?"

Before and after Caleb and I got married, we discussed a lot about kids and how many we wanted.  Our conclusion came to as many as God wants us to have.  We wanted to raise children to love the Lord and our prayer for them is that they choose to follow God with their lives.  We decided not to go on birth control (which got people thinking we were crazy).  After a lot of prayer and discussion, I felt like it wasn't for me.  I had a sense of conviction about it.  I'm not saying that I think birth control is a sin and people shouldn't take it, but for me it wasn't the right thing.  I'm somewhat of a control freak and have to have everything planned and it is so hard for me to let go and let God lead me instead of trying to drag Him along with my plans.  With children, I felt the strong need to completely let go and give it over to God, and for me, that meant not taking birth control and accepting as many children as God would like to bless our family with.

When I found out I was pregnant, I completely lost sight of this.  All I could do was cry and worry.  In Matthew 6:30  Jesus says "Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?"  How did I have so much  faith and at that moment throw it all away because I felt scared?  Had He not always provided or been there for me even in the toughest of times?  I'm ashamed of my reaction because I'll never get that back, but through this I am reminded again of why we have chosen to follow God's path for us and not our own and what that continues to entail.

It's not going to be easy.  It's gonna be really hard and sometimes I'm not going to feel like I know what I'm doing or have the answers, but through these times, it draws me closer to God and what more could I ask for?  "The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him." Psalm 28:7